Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

Lynda Montgomery

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Robin Williams

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

I  think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

Ed Bluestone

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Jay Leno

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find Kuwait.

A. Whitney Brown

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Sue Murphy